“Ugh, you again,” my kiddo said to me in a displeased and sarcastic tone. I laughed. Lord knows what show that came from but it made me think that it was exactly how I’d been feeling about being back in the same place I had over and over again. It’s here in this repeated place I finally accepted that there was an element to this heartache, grief, upset and disappointment from feeling rejected and abandoned for opening up and being me, fully and vulnerably to a person that wasn’t able to hold space and have the compassion, empathy and care that I hoped to receive. Sadly, I had hoped that I would be heard, seen and understood but unfortunately I had triggered them in their own life and what they were experiencing.

My sharing resulted in being cut-off prematurely and then receiving a deeply hurtful message that hit me to the core. I was finally able to give words to these overwhelmingly sick feelings in my body. When I became aware of what my emotions and fears were telling me to be true, what exactly these feelings were in my body, I felt like I could share with the person I had these feelings about but knew were completely illogical and untrue. However, my past traumas spiked these fears of the past repeating in my body, making me feel sick to my stomach day in and day out. My enlightenment made me realize that I could calm myself because I had no need to worry about it repeating. My present was not my past. I could give myself the compassion and empathy that what I did experience many years ago was awful and it broke me, so much so I tried to end my life. But I was no longer that same person I was well over 20+ years ago. I have done so much healing and self-reflection since. I suppose I just thought the person I shared so much with and held so much space for would be there to hold that for me. I was mistaken.

When something like this happens I always go back to myself and ask, “What could I have done differently?” While I do trust everything is exactly as it should be, there is always a lesson to learn in every experience. For my own reflection of this question, I could have checked in with myself and asked, “Is this something I need to share?” A continuation to this could have been, “…at this time?” My answer would have been, “No, it does not need to be shared at this time or possibly ever.” Clearly they were not in a place to be there for me as I was for them. Read the Room Robin! Ya, I know. Thanks! So yes, perhaps it was not the time to share. It was essentially a terrible time all around but I have had to voice myself and my feelings uncomfortably for the past little while now and address what is working and what is not. I figured this was just another instance where I could do that.

But, just because you have something to say that doesn’t mean the other person is open to receiving it.

A flood of disappointment washes over me now that it had to be this way. It wouldn’t be what I choose but I am only one part of this equation.

So I will let the pain of this make its way through me and know that even in the toughest of times, we all deserve the love, space and care to hear one another out when we are sharing from a heartfelt and vulnerable place as I was. It was never meant to trigger. It was only meant to express my deepest love and care for them and how my past wounds made me unconsciously worry with nothing to substantiate that actually happening now. But you can only share your words and cannot control how they were received. If the other party is hurt by you in some way, I hope that you can resolve that hurt in a compassionate, loving and respectful way. If not, you need to accept what is, hope that time will help ease the pain, open the communication door again and eventually give you both the peace and forgiveness that what was said was only done out of vulnerability of your truth and love.

I send this out to you. You know who you are.

XO, Robin