If You Want the Right Answer, You Must Ask the Right Question
The question isn’t, “Why am I not enough for them?” The question is, “Why am I not enough for myself?”
If any of you out there have gone through heartbreak, betrayal, not feeling like you are enough, have low self-worth, attachment issues or codependency, you probably can relate to the above questions. The issue truly is not about “them” but rather all about our internal state and beliefs. We have put so much value and emphasis on the external love and approval that we essentially lost ourselves in the chase.
Do you ever just sit and allow all the feelings to rush in and be with the discomfort of them? It’s hard. Like really hard. Those are the moments we tend to run, distract, medicate or go to whatever coping mechanisms we identify with individually to comfort ourselves. And yet, they come back over and over. They want to be felt. They want to be heard. They want to be seen. These are the things we need to make space for in our being. These feelings wouldn’t arise if they weren’t already inherently within you.
So, lets ask again. Why aren’t I enough for myself?
I don’t even know where to start on this. Seriously. Sitting here, hands on keyboard and a giant blank stare at the screen.
It’s like a switch went off a very long time ago where the need to be me, take care of me, live full out and joyfully stopped and I started become hyper-aware of everyone else’s thoughts, opinions, judgements and feelings of me. In that moment, I became self-conscious of pretty much everything to do with how I acted, what I said, how my body was changing and if I was “approved” of.
I immediately began to mold and shape myself into the “liked, approved, praised and validated,” version of me that I could live by. When I had real feelings, questions and issues come up inside that were out of that box, I ran to wherever I could be a part of group or unit, distracted myself with tv, movies, video games and ate horribly unhealthy food that gave me a quick hit to disarm myself and escape.
As I got older, smoking, being with my friends and chasing ‘love’ became the greater distraction and coping mechanism. The alteration of myself got stronger and stronger. Soon enough, you settle for a life that’s not really you, choose to spend your time with people that don’t light you up and chase the socially acceptable dream of success.
So, where does this all land now? It’s going all the way back to see how and why it started and where it went wrong. Thankfully, I have a lot of compassion for that kid who was scared about many things and felt that the safest way she could adapt was to do things that were considered to be ‘approved’ of. I craved praise and that “Atta girl,” especially from my father. But my body changed very young and I was ashamed. I also moved to a whole new town and new school which was scary. In many ways I wanted to hide but my bright soul was always calling for me to be who I was.
When my Dad left us, that was the downfall and the “not enough” began. That broke me in a lot of ways and as a 9 year old kid, you don’t understand the complexities of relational dynamics between adults. But I was, “Daddy’s girl,” and that felt like I wasn’t any longer. The starvation for male attention, validation, love, approval and above all else to be chosen became THE top priority. Even up until recently. It was until I asked myself, “why aren’t I enough for me?”
What I’ve come to understand is that I have to start all over again. I have to go back to that inner child and tell her, “You are enough and always have been enough.” I have to go to my inner teen and tell her the same. And my 20 year old self, 30 year old self and 40 year old self. And today, to fully embrace and love myself deeply, telling myself and believing with every ounce in my body that, “I AM enough, always have been enough and will always be enough.”
I will dive into the abyss of the unknown within and grab every part undiscovered, bring it to the surface and allow it to be revealed to the world. When I allow the untapped feelings, expressions and love arise without judgement or resistance, I can give grace to that newness yet to be experienced. With each moment, I get closer to a deeper relationship with me. No outside validation, no external love seeking, no, “atta girl,” required except from myself.
I asked the right question and now I’m beginning to unravel the answers. Where this goes from here is only on the up and up!
As for my invitation to you, did you feel a trigger or discomfort in the question asked? If so, can you allow the space to reveal why you may have challenges being enough for you? Perhaps it will bring you to a person, something said or an experience that shook you and you started to believe that you weren’t enough any longer for yourself. Can you give yourself the kindness and care to unfold the pages, uncover and understand why you may feel hindered in your own enoughness? With knowledge can come compassion, forgiveness and love.
We were never intended to not feel whole as a human being. Not one baby was born feeling like they were not enough. Not ONE! This was a consequence of something externally happening in our lives and us beginning to tell ourselves a narrative that is just untrue. We now have the awareness that we no longer have to live this way and can choose to heal where we feel a lack within which impedes our capacity for love, growth, connection and achieving our greatest potentials.
We have the power within because we are now asking the right question.
